...Don't ask. Just don't.





I wish I were dead.

I haven't been able to update for a while, and I'll explain:

I visited Ron's family for New Year's Eve. Fred and George brought some Mildly Alcoholic Poof Drinks (not sure why they're called that - they don't go *poof* at all), and I drank a WHOLE CAN myself. Everything's a little fuzzy, but Ginny took me up to her bedroom and we played strip-scrabble :O !!! I lost, and for my penalty she locked me in the cupboard. I think the cupboard walls must be really thick, and she forgot I was there, because noone let me out for DAYS, and then everyone went back to school and I was still naked in a cupboard, and finally Mrs Weasley found me when she was tidying up. That was SO embarassing.

But when I told Ron what had happened, he said he thinks I'm not a virgin any more. He read about it in one of his dad's magazines (though we don't know what a "butt-plug" is), and apparently I'm not a virgin and I can't WAIT to tell Malfoy.

Someone keep stealing my pants. Think it might be Hermione.

Quite weirded out about now.

Ron and Hermione aren't speaking. Ron went on this internet dating site, pretending to be a girl. I think it's all a bit lame, really. It's not like those things ever WORK - I've had an account for MONTHS and the only message I got was from a fat swiss man interested in bondage. Anyway. Ron was pretending to be a girl, and he INSISTED on giving me a running commentary even though I do think that sort of thing is pathetic.

Then he got a message from a bisexual girl, and I don't think I've seen him this excited since we won the Quidditch Cup. I'm not sure how he thought he'd get away with it, but he arranged a date. I TOLD him that even in a dress and a wig, he doesn't look remotely female. But when does Ron ever listen to ME? I've only fought He Who Must Not Be Named and nearly died, what would I know?

Anyway, long story short, the bisexual girl turned out to be Hermione, and her FACE when she showed up at The Three Broomsticks, and her date was Ron in a dress!!!

So they're not speaking. And I'll have to wait until everyone calms down before I can talk to Hermione about.. certain things..

It's been a while since I updated. There's a reason, though I'm a bit ashamed...

It all started on a regular trip to Hogsmeade. A couple of Hufflepuffs were smoking something outside the Hog's Head, and giggling a lot. They said it was Wizard's Wheed, and they knew a guy... All the Hufflepuffs seem to be into it, and, well, I thought I'd give it a try. So I hung around in the Hog's Head until I saw a guy who looked pretty shady, and I asked him if he knew where I could get Wizard's Wheed. He took me into the lav and sold me some, and even sold me a pipe to smoke it in. Excitedly, I snuck outside to try it. I woke up a few days later in the infirmary. Madame Pomfrey said he'd given me oregano, laced with rat poison. I got two weeks of detention, and everyone is laughing at me.

Why do these things always happen to ME? I wish I'd never been BORN!

Ron's in hospital again. This time it was pretty nasty.. the Slytherins must've been working on that spell for ages. We were just leaving the hall after breakfast, when I heard someone mutter "rectumus reductus!" and I didn't think anything of it at the time, but Ron came out of the toilets later looking very red in the face, and said his anus had been shrunk. He'd been trying to do number 2s. Came out like silly string. I thought it was kinda funny, actually.. Hermione didn't want to know and wasn't amused.

Anyway, Ron's in hospital with a tube up his bum for the time being. Only Hairy Hermione for company in class. Groan.

Haven't been able to update for a few days. Someone's been going through my things. I don't think anyone knows about this diary, but just in case I've got to be careful...

Where was I last time? Ohyes. Spying on Malfoy. I.. might write that up properly once I've decided how I feel about it. It's all a bit confusing.. I've never been the kind of guy who COMPARES, but.. well I mean I couldn't HELP seeing, and.. It makes my face all hot just thinking about it.

This reminds me, though- the other night, Hermione left some books behind, and when I opened one to see if she'd done any notes I should copy, I found pictures of naked men. Haven't told Ron, just kept the pictures.. Better go make sure they're safe and hidden, actually. Might take a while. More later.

Ooh. My. God.

Don't have time for a full update just now, but I will say.... you know Malfoy's luxurious head of blonde hair? He must dye it, because the carpet does NOT match the curtains..

I think the dorms will be empty for a while. Might go have some, uh, quiet time.

Still haven't forgiven Malfoy. Today he called me a little bitch. That is IT. I'm getting my trusty invisibility cloak, and I'm gonna stick closer to him than a pair of Fred and George's Extra-Sticky Novelty Knickers. Bound to catch him doing something wrong.

Wish me luck.

Sorry bout the delay, everyone. SOMEbody locked me in the girl's lavvy AGAIN, and I had to spend DAYS trying not to let Moaning Myrtle see my winkie when I needed to pee.

I will have my revenge. No-one locks Harry Potter in the girl's toilets and gets away with it!!!

Felt shitty today, so I went to visit Hagrid (he always makes me feel slim and intelligent by comparison). But when I got near his shed, I heard the WEIRDEST noises. I don't like to pry into other people's business, but I was concerned for Hagrid's safety so I got my invisibility cloak, binoculars, periscope and spare binoculars in case the first pair got foggy, and sneaked a peek.

I couldn't see much, but I heard what sounded like a goat, and Hagrid was.. doing something.. to the goat.. I listened for AGES but I couldn't get a better idea what was going on... Eventually I had to go in for dinner.

I told Ron, and he must have told EVERYONE, because whenever Hagrid walks past people start bleating at him. Yesterday he didn't come out of his shed. I think he was crying.

Wish I had a goat.

Short robes are in this season. Even Hermione's been taking hers up. And it's not like she's got the legs for it.

Bitch.

Malfoy flushed my head down the toilet again today. Wish I had a girlfriend.

Wish he'd flush Ron's head, for a change.

Ron got another package from his mum today. He wouldn't let me see what was in it.

I wonder what it's like to have parents?

Dumbledore hardly looked at me this morning at breakfast. But I mustn't worry, he's got a lot on his mind. It's not like he's started spending time with OTHER students... and it's not like I asked for it or anything but I AM special, and Dumbledore could pay a little more attention..

Ron's not speaking to me cos he won't admit that what I said about Hermione the other day was true (she DOES look like Ted Nugent in the mornings). I hate it when we fight. But it feels so good to make up... I'm so confused.

Had a wet dream about Ron last night. Woke up crying. Hate my life.